"Enjoy Your Friends’ Criticism?"

Enjoy the Criticism!

I just started reading the book, The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, and what I learned in chapter 10 blew my mind!

The chapter is called "Enjoy Your Friends Criticism" and it proposes that a man’s growth is spurred by the honest reflections of his friends. Expounding on the principle that true friends don’t merely flatter you, they challenge you as sometimes we become blind to our own limitations and idiosyncrasies. It is this valuable feedback from those who care about us that will open our eyes and we should welcome it.

Deida says: “A man's capacity to receive another man's direct criticism is a measure of his capacity to receive masculine energy. If he doesn't have a good relationship to masculine energy, for example his father, he will become hurt or defensive rather than make use of other men's criticism.”

The above quote from the opening of chapter 10 really caught my attention. Specifically the part about the relationship with your father.

I have often wondered why I didn’t click more with other guys. I thought it was just me. I was just not tough enough, cool enough, macho enough. I’ve often operated through the lens and script of an inferiority complex. I never thought of myself as meeting the required standard of masculinity.

When I read this idea today, my M.O. began to make some sense. This part of me came as a result of the relationship I had with my dad when I was a kid. I had a deep desire to be liked, validated and accepted by him like every kid does. This validation and acceptance never came and it left me in a weakened state in the confidence I had in my masculinity.

I now understand that it is our father, or some other significant masculine role model, that provides this masculine confidence. It is passed on to us. The process of this passing allows us the masculine capital to withstand and even welcome the masculine energy of other men. In my past I would do just about anything to avoid any other man seeing me in a position that appeared weak or inept. My inferiority and the lack of masculine capitol caused me to run from any type of critical eye from another dude.

He goes on to say: “If you merely want support from your men friends without challenge, it bespeaks an unresolved issue you may have with your father, whether he is alive or dead. The father force is the force of loving challenge and guidance. Without this masculine force in your life your direction becomes unchecked and you are liable to meander in the mush of your own ambiguity and indecision.” 

This short chapter has helped me understand the importance of surrounding myself with friends who are willing to tell me the truth, even when it hurts. Being older, I now have the confidence and the resolve in myself to be able to handle it. Deida suggests that a sup

erior man should actively seek this kind of feedback, even criticism, from those he trusts. Rather than being defensive, a man should welcome these insights because they reveal areas where he may not be living according to his purpose. It’s about openness and authenticity. These are the pathway to living a life of accountability and not living in the shadows of your masculinity and potential.

Thank you David Deida for this nugget of truth. 

Challenge accepted.